Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
*puts cutlery down*