I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.