“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.