Me trying to look natural in photos
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention