Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
When I said I liked it rough.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before