[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I love you…
…r dog.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
A Short Story.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]