The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it