Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Okay me first
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato