Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.