Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May