Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The answer is funnier than the question
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5