My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
This forever.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.