Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I have obtained a hat
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
asking santa clause for nudes
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package