[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
You Might Also Like
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Bringing home a sharpie
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.