I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.