Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators