When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed