*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao