Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
when you don’t want to be too vague
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past