NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
mood
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids