Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
handsome & gretel
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.