just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You Might Also Like
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Well, shit
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore