my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Girl, same.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.