Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
This raises questions
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant