I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Salad is the decaf of food.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*