Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Hero horse inspires millions
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.