Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: โCan you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?โ I had to hand it to him, I didnโt think of that ๐๐๐๐
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Iโm not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a ladyโs hair and I didnโt tell her.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: โOK now, honey. Who was eggs?โ
Me (highly educated): โIn a sense…โ (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) โ…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.โ
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Iโm not โlateโ, Iโm just very creative with my interpretation of โtimeโ.
We need a streaming service thatโs only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
just bought $250 worth of thereโs nothing to eat
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Iโm like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
my 8yoโs friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah itโs my grandmaโs favorite band
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
guy inventing constellations: see that square? itโs a fish
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut