[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
What if the weather talks about us?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll