I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
When you try jalapeños for the first time
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath