On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Message from the dog groomers
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Baller is short for ballerina
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”