Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.