in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
broke down and did it
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.