Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.