Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?