i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women