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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
wait.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*