Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Spa day..😅
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*