They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
You Might Also Like
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!