People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.