DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You Might Also Like
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
October already? What’s next? November????
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”