My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
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