Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“TGIM!” – My liver
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: