Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“I’m helping” 😅
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords