Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
This is always good for a laugh.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
i love modern commerce
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby