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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”