Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.