[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.