It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
The Struggle
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.