My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
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FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.