What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
You Might Also Like
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.